Ask Amy: Girlfriend’s Daughter Convinced Her Our Relationship Was Bad


dear Amy: I am a retired man in the early 70s. For almost a year, I have been dating a woman my age. (We met online.) We live more than two hours apart but like to visit and meet in other destinations. We have developed a caring and intimate relationship.

Recently, she visited her daughter. This separated us for several weeks. Then she caught mild covid and so we kept our distance, although we kept in daily contact by phone and text.

I was shocked, disappointed and worried when my friend then abruptly called to say she had to end our relationship because it was a moral conflict with her belief system. We are both believers, although I am a bit more liberal in my beliefs than she is.

We both lost our spouses after decades of marriage and had discussed how we were on the same page about letting our relationship grow.

After a second tearful phone call, my friend shared that her daughter told her that our intimacy outside of marriage was very bad for religious reasons and that if she didn’t break up with me, she wouldn’t be allowed to see her . small children. My friend ended the second call asking me to do it again and not break up. I don’t think our relationship is morally wrong, and I don’t want to lose it, but it’s troubling.

I’m angry that the daughter is trying to control her mother’s life through coercive means. I’m disappointed that my friend got bullied into not telling the truth about the girl’s ultimatum in the first place.

I’m also inclined to think covid brain fog may play a role. Should I allow the redesign or should I rethink this relationship?

Lost: Yes, you need to allow resume. You should also rethink the relationship, for all the great reasons you mention in your question.

The way some parents use contact with their grandchildren to bully their parents is mean, coercive, controlling, and unfair. Threats of removal also demonstrate terrible judgment, as well as deeply flawed parenting.

But a threat of removal won’t work if the other side refuses to play. And in that sense, your friend has allowed her daughter to control her life, essentially opening the door and inviting her into your relationship – where she has no business.

You’ll have to see how that plays out, but, realistically, if forced to choose, a mother and grandmother will almost certainly choose her parents.

dear Amy: My nephew and his fiancée came to my house for Thanksgiving. When I last saw this couple, they told me their wedding would be on a specific date, but they didn’t have a secure location. I have participated in many discussions about marriage.

I greeted the bride with a welcoming hug and asked how the wedding planning was going. She replied that the date of the wedding would be postponed by several months.

I replied that I had planned a vacation around the original date and hoped the new date would work for me. The next day, my nephew called, telling me how upset his fiancee was with my comments. I apologized again and again and assured her that I would have no more comments on the marriage.

I’m very hurt and I don’t know if I should send an apology note to the bride, even though I don’t know what I did wrong.

Hurt: Your choice to mention that you had planned your vacation around their wedding date reminded the bride that their wedding planning was messy and might inconvenience people.

You shouldn’t have said you hoped the new date would “work” for you. Wedding plans are in a special and very sensitive category. It’s best not to weigh anything at all, unless it’s a matter of extreme importance (your vacation plans don’t qualify).

The more than two-year hiatus on gatherings during the pandemic continues to mar wedding plans. You apologized. Let him lie.

dear Amy: “disgusted dadmentions that two of his three children do not speak to each other. They refused to attend parties together.

You immediately sided with this father! You don’t know what may have caused the conflict between siblings. Maybe they are right and he is wrong!

upset: It was the father who asked the question, and yes I agree with him that he should not perpetuate this estrangement.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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